What’s up everyone?  I know we’ve fallen off the face of the earth these past couple months but shit has been crazy. I (Nate) moved out to Cali and it’s taken me awhile to get settled. I think Sam got attacked by a poodle and may or may not have lost a testicle. Kaia is hipstering it up in BKLYN starting her nights when the bars are pretty much closing, and Scot has been too busy fucking himself. Despite of all this, shit has been good for the us jackasses that try to pass off as writer, and we feel like writing again. It may not be frequent and sometimes it will be completely random, but at least it something.

Also, if there is anything you think we should check out let us know, we like to hear from you, we like to discover new things. We like to drink beer.

Go listen to El Ten Eleven for now, I saw them with Pinback the other night and the were pretty killer.

So Metallica, Anthrax, Slayer, and Megadeth are going on tour together. Just fucking great. Exactly what the world needs. Nothing good will come out of this. Douchebags are going to think it’s cool to start rocking mullets again while drunk driving in their fucking Camaro’s and Trans-Am’s. I guarantee the reported cases of attempted rape at these shows is going to be in the high double digits.

The worst part about this tour is going to be the crowd. These bands were huge in the 80’s, which means the average attendee is going to be in their late 30’s/early 40’s trying to relive their “glory years.” This is going to lead to lots of older women dressing in shit they have no business dressing in, using 3 cans of Aqua-net in their hair, getting fucking wasted off the “king of beers” and showing their tits. I’m sorry but I don’t want to see some over-weight, floppy, chewed up titties.

Here is what I need everyone to do. Buy a ticket and a box of strike-anywhere matches. Walk into the middle of the crowd and start lighting the matches and just throw them anywhere. The resulting pyrotechnics will be even better than that Great White show from a couple years back.

So in case you guys hadn’t heard, Uncle Fester (a.k.a. Billy Corgan) is tossing his hotdog down Jessica Simpson’s hallway.  Gross…I know.  I didn’t claw my way out of a uterus 24 years ago to see the guy who wrote Machina invade Barbie’s love pie.

Whatever…Anyway, Chris Cornell got super jealous and re-united Soundgarden.  I guess it finally dawned on him that he could have had ALL THIS:

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2009; Year End Review: Dead Celebrities and a Few That Should Be

2009 was a pretty successful year.  The human race did a respectable job of trimming the fat.  While god stationed himself in a clearing and picked off members of the celebutante herd, we placed bets on when Lindsay Lohan would stick her finger far enough down her throat to just barf up her cervix.  Unfortunately, that never came to fruition but there certainly were a few good ones.  Here’s a list of celebrities that bought the farm and some that should:

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Hello.  We are the writers at Noiselens.  When we run out of combos to eat and mediocre women to talk about sleeping with, we criticize art that isn’t ours.  After that we might go to the mall.  Maybe shop it up at Bloomingdales.  Spit in the fountain.  Shit on the floor in the bathroom.  Buy a hot new pair of sunglasses and then just fucking leave.  You know, really suck the proverbial dicks of industry.  Then wipe the residual cum on somebody else.  We are what respectable members of society would refer to as gutless bottom-feeders.  Luckily, we’re pretty good at it.  And flocking to judgment like flies to shit isn’t a particularly easy task. Somebody’s gotta do it though, right?  So we might not be what one would call “writers” per say, but we’re certainly entitled to our insignificant but still substantially infuriating and unbridled opinions.  And we know how to get down, right?  And coke is still one hell of a drug, right?  You’re damn straight!  We’re still down with the booger sugar.

With that said, we’ve taken it upon ourselves to let you know what the best records of the decade have been.  Because let’s face it.  You don’t fucking know.  You don’t have a clue.  The better fractions of you R-tards are still clinging to that soundtrack to Zach Braff’s latest cinematic abortion.  And boy do I shudder at the thought.  The fact of the matter is that you need guidance and we’re here for you.  Don’t worry.  We’re not gonna rape you…anytime soon.  We’ll be gentle.  We care about you.  Not like your parents care about you.  More like the way your dealer or a working girl cares about you.  We’re not too concerned whether you live or die but your patronage and dependence mean the world to us.  So without further adp we’re offering up __ of the greatest albums of the last ten years.  Oh, and they ARE the greatest albums of the last ten years.  And you WILL agree.  But just in case you don’t, we’ve got a backup plan.  Nathan’s drunk, sitting in his room right now.  He’s chain smoking Basics and just sort of weirdly staring at this gun that he has appropriately named “Our most convincing argument.”  Please don’t let it come to that.  Here’s our list. Continue reading »

NoiseLens is back and we are doing shit a little different this time. Continue reading »