Micah P. Hinson
All Dressed Up And Smelling of Strangers
Full Time Hobby; 2009

money-money-money-MO-NEY! I hate writing record reviews. But I like taking ambien and writing record reviews. Continue reading »

Dear MTV,

            I recently stumbled across the most nauseating display of faggotry that the modern world will ever come to know.  I am of course speaking in reference to the orange skinned media prostitutes on the strange wildlife documentary you call “The Jersey Shore”.  That said, I demand to know where in the fuck you get off.  Observing these cock-gobbling douche bags in their natural habitat was without question the most painstaking experience I have ever endured.  Every moment spent viewing these shameless wops has been comparable to a tedious process of uniformly tearing out pubic hairs.  Unfortunately, curiosity won over.  The Holocaust, 9/11, D-Day, and the Spanish Inquisition can all be put behind us…but this…this is absolutely unforgivable.  I demand that these heathens be immediately removed from your regular programming schedule followed by a ritualistic execution of each and every cast member.  I expect them to be starved, water boarded, deprived of all sensory stimulation, stripped of their gym memberships, blindfolded, and shot like sick cattle.  The primary reason being that they are useless wastes of human tissue bent on clubbing, drinking Coors light, fucking trashy dick pigs, and generally soiling on the name of New Jersey/New York residents.  The pandemic must be stopped and the aforementioned solution is the only vaccine.  Everyday that these snot nosed butt sluts go on living brings us closer to the day of the rapture in which God’s armies will use their bodies as human shields.  In the event that my demands are not met, drastic legal action will be taken on the basis of emotional disturbance and crimes against humanity.

Sincerely,
 
Concerned Viewer

30 Seconds to Mars
This Is War
[Virgin Records; 2009]

An open letter to Jared Leto,

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NAPALM AND NOISE TOUR – Final Stop

ALL THAT REMAINS

THE DEVIL WEARS PRADA

STORY OF THE YEAR

HASTE THE DAY

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Hello.  We are the writers at Noiselens.  When we run out of combos to eat and mediocre women to talk about sleeping with, we criticize art that isn’t ours.  After that we might go to the mall.  Maybe shop it up at Bloomingdales.  Spit in the fountain.  Shit on the floor in the bathroom.  Buy a hot new pair of sunglasses and then just fucking leave.  You know, really suck the proverbial dicks of industry.  Then wipe the residual cum on somebody else.  We are what respectable members of society would refer to as gutless bottom-feeders.  Luckily, we’re pretty good at it.  And flocking to judgment like flies to shit isn’t a particularly easy task. Somebody’s gotta do it though, right?  So we might not be what one would call “writers” per say, but we’re certainly entitled to our insignificant but still substantially infuriating and unbridled opinions.  And we know how to get down, right?  And coke is still one hell of a drug, right?  You’re damn straight!  We’re still down with the booger sugar.

With that said, we’ve taken it upon ourselves to let you know what the best records of the decade have been.  Because let’s face it.  You don’t fucking know.  You don’t have a clue.  The better fractions of you R-tards are still clinging to that soundtrack to Zach Braff’s latest cinematic abortion.  And boy do I shudder at the thought.  The fact of the matter is that you need guidance and we’re here for you.  Don’t worry.  We’re not gonna rape you…anytime soon.  We’ll be gentle.  We care about you.  Not like your parents care about you.  More like the way your dealer or a working girl cares about you.  We’re not too concerned whether you live or die but your patronage and dependence mean the world to us.  So without further adp we’re offering up __ of the greatest albums of the last ten years.  Oh, and they ARE the greatest albums of the last ten years.  And you WILL agree.  But just in case you don’t, we’ve got a backup plan.  Nathan’s drunk, sitting in his room right now.  He’s chain smoking Basics and just sort of weirdly staring at this gun that he has appropriately named “Our most convincing argument.”  Please don’t let it come to that.  Here’s our list. Continue reading »