2009; Year End Review: Dead Celebrities and a Few That Should Be
2009 was a pretty successful year. The human race did a respectable job of trimming the fat. While god stationed himself in a clearing and picked off members of the celebutante herd, we placed bets on when Lindsay Lohan would stick her finger far enough down her throat to just barf up her cervix. Unfortunately, that never came to fruition but there certainly were a few good ones. Here’s a list of celebrities that bought the farm and some that should:
The 28 year old drummer of Avenged Sevenfold died of “natural causes” on December 28th and I call total fucking bullshit. My bet is that he woke up one day realizing velvet Ed Hardy sport jackets weren’t cool anymore and just decided to cut loose on oxy’s till’ he croaked. Happy New Year! Here’s to hoping the rest of this band of television lemmings follows each other off the proverbial cliff.
Speaking of celebrities that your kid sister jacks off to, why is it 2010 and Lady Gaga isn’t dead yet? One would think that Jay-Z would’ve gotten jealous and poisoned her cat food by now. Instead, those of us who possess an amount of brain cells sufficient for not repeatedly shitting our pants are left to suffer through songs in the vein of ‘Poker Face’ for another year. Dan “I light scented candles and touch myself to photos of Rhianna” Scarzella has never been more excited about Gaga’s upcoming tour. Head on over to his facebook page and ask him how that’s going for him.
Oh yea…What’s the name of that guy who crawled inside MacCaulay Culkin’s ass and feng shui-ed a little home for himself? Michael Jackson! Motherfucker’s dead as a doornail. If there are any 13 year olds looking to get pasty white prosthetic dicks shoved up their butts, this news will come as a disappointment.
Let’s see…who else…?
Billy Mays got tired of screaming at the top of his lungs about Oxi-Clean and kicked the bucket. I guess New York’s candle lit vigil committee hiccupped on that one. What a shame. I mean he was like the most important man on the home shopping network or whatever.
Are those nipples or thumbs?!?!?
Our tragic loss of Farrah Fawcet was overshadowed by the death of a ceramic pedophile. What a bummer………………………Sorry………………….Sidetracked…Naked photos of Farrah………….;oasjkdf;lkajhsdgasnlnla;v………….………….cleaning up keyboard. Anywayz…Farrah’s family sort of wishes she raped some kids in her heyday. So do some kids. And me.
The grim reaper caught up to DJ AM’s ass final destination style. What a tragedy to lose a pawn of such musical brilliance like Crazy Town, Papa Roach, Madonna, and Will Smith. Books will be written about his one claim to fame. Everyone and their retarded cousin once removed gives a shit about that plane crash involving a member of Blink-182…oh yea…fuck Travis Barker as well.
Every person with brain matter is hoping the cum dumpsters on the Jersey Shore will pull a stunt defying the laws of physics and just implode into their own gaping assholes. That would be quite the situation.
Our livers (assuming they still have some fight in them). Gin, Benadryl, and blogging will do a number on you.
Brittany Murphy looked like she was pretty good at fucking in that movie 8 Mile, so I guess it’s a…bad thing that she died? If she was half as good at vacuuming up booger sugar as the media would imply then it’s a shame we missed the chance to hang with her and get some rim-job action.
Just cause’ we can’t make this list and leave him off of it. It would be like illegal, right? Roadhouse.
Tiger Woods’ career is gone like donkey kong. Peace out, nerdiest athlete in the world!
Now this was actually sort of a shame. I wish I got the chance to see Les Paul at B.B. King’s before he died. Granted, he did manufacture some of the most overrated instruments in the world. He’s Les Paul though. At least he can play them.
Happy New Year! Here’s to wishing we could turn back the clocks and plop The Jonas Brothers in Columbine High School on April 20th, 1999. Kill these kids. Kill the fuck out of them. In their faces.
Alright, that’s it. I’ll give anybody a signed blank check to just stab this motherfucker and dump his body in a nearby lake. Anyone who can drag some sympathy for Taylor Swift out of me has to be the biggest douche bag in the world. I bet a bowie knife would fit perfectly through the slits in those stupid glasses. What a king-sized veiny dick.
Honorable Mentions:
Walter Cronkite
Steve McNair
Ed McMahon
David Carradine
Bea Arthur
Adam Lambert
Madonna
Mathew McConahay
Bono
Black Eyed Peas