The strangest thing happened to me earlier today (aside from kicking the fire water and saying I meant it this time). I parked it in front of the computer and wiped some Cheeto residue on my Bugle Boy shirt as per the usual when the hand of doom grabbed me by throat and tore me out of my warm, familiar bubble filled with softcore (okay, hardcore) porn and Ren and Stimpy episodes on youtube. Alright, so that might be a bit melodramatic but what really happened was I ran across a banner somewhere for billboard.com and felt compelled to click on it. I know weird, right? Like a fucking David Lynch movie or something. Now, let me just say that I was curious. It’s nice to know who’s number one every once in a while. It’s therapeutic. Sort of gives you a good perspective on the disparity between those with brain matter and those who simply have pools of fluid in their heads that most closely resemble cloudy mixtures of sperm and urine.

Anyway, taking a page out of the notebook of copycat crimes that followed up the 1999 Columbine massacre, I give you Ke$ha. How one would go about pronouncing something so stupid eludes me and every moment I go on wondering makes my liver cirrhosis progress a little closer to a big bleeding ulcer. Oh, wait a minute. Turns out it’s actually just a stylized version of “Kesha”. I see how they did that. Hmm. Clever. How silly and free-spirited. The dollar sign is a pretty nice touch. The most rational conclusion I can draw here is that it’s some sort of playful nod to her history of being handed money in exchange for gagging on the dicks of record label executives. You go girl!

Excerpt from Kesha’s Myspace Page:

THE TIME HAS COME TO GET ROWDY
MUTTHHRRFUKKKKERZZZ!!!!!!!!!!

I’m a bit of a stalker. I love south. and boys. and boots. and boners. and beer. and babes. balloons. barbeque sause. big balls. bonfires. babes. boobs. butts. bonnie rait. blowjobs.
BAD TATTOOS…….mmhmmm
I sometimes wish I was a man…i would have the siickesT trash-stash….

I live in LaurylCanyon in a Treehouse/Castle hybrid.
Mick Jagger might be my dad. fo realz. ….I play the cowbell.

Anyways. My music is rad. I hope. If your fucking rad, then let’s party…
*KillinN it… Got a BulleT with your name on it…*

$$$$$$

In her influences section, she was kind enough to write out a sprawling filibuster of artists who we are now no longer permitted to enjoy.

Among them: Neil Young, Jawbreaker, Bob Dylan, Ghostface…etc.

Sorry, guys. Game Over.

To be fair, though, we can’t really blame her, solely. Reason being that Kesha along with other dick-hungry drones of her caliber aren’t really people, per say. They’re just sort of these things made up by a marketing team. Their songs, reasoning ability, and every public statement they make might as well just be conducted by a series of commands in binary code coming from a computer in…I dunno…Iraq, maybe? Hell? They could just be advanced explosive devices sent here by terrorists, primed to detonate whenever any real artist begins drawing attention and stifles their privileges of occupying the spotlight. I mean, let’s say, hypothetically of course, that I grabbed Lady Gaga and/or Kesha (these two are largely interchangeable) by their stupid looking hairdo’s and repeatedly slammed their faces against the pavement in a fast food parking lot. Suffice to say, I would be simultaneously maintaining a thundering erection and cackling my fuckin’ ass off. But that’s beside the point. Anyway, would anybody really be astonished if nothing more than some screws, batteries, and groupings of wires began to expose themselves? The idea that I’m trying to put forth here is that these…androids, I guess, do not have minds of their own and would never have gained the celebutante statuses they have unless some money-grubbing slime-ball pointed their chubby omnipotent finger and simply said “You’re famous because I say you are. Now close your eyes and suck the chrome off this trailer hitch.”

TATTOOOOSSS!!!!

KE$HA | MySpace Music Videos

Sure, well get right on that.

So in these perpetually nauseating situations, it’s the label execs that we need to hold responsible, as opposed to the hooker-bots selling out MSG. You think Kesha plotted out this grand, evil scheme of world domination all by herself? No fuckin’ way. It’s just not within her range of ability. Throatjobs, acquiring rug-burns on her hands and knees, and pooping out jizz might be…but not this. Not a chance.

The thing that makes Kesha’s rise to popularity particularly aggravating is that some mastermind electrical engineer already screwed Gaga’s head on in 1986 (in a half-assed effort, I might add) and then in turn, another one felt the need to do it again in 1987 with Kesha. In his defense it was like totally necessary though, right? I mean nine year old girls need a slightly edgier yet equally whorish version of Gaga. It’s obviously vital to their societal upbringing because hearing about grabbing random dude’s crotches and brushing your teeth with Jack will ultimately render them more worldly adults.

TiK ToK

KE$HA | MySpace Music Videos

I take it she saw the Millionaires video.

Believe it or not, I actually indulged in a brief conversation with my mother regarding Kesha, recently. I guess she had read about her in a magazine or something. Don’t ask, cause’ I don’t get it. Maybe when I’m 59 I’ll find time between all those awesome colonoscopies to read up on how songs by 22 year old human clitori (Plural of clitoris? Bear with me) are giving the whole world migrane headaches and diabetic comas. You’ll notice that I used the word “by” in that last sentence. I use that word loosely in this context. Very loosely. Loosely, in the sense that she had absolutely nothing to do with writing or recording a single fucking thing on her “album”, if you will. The more likely way that whole process played out is that a group of sort of hip, middle aged suits who are big into Pat Robertson slaved over BFD and Reason long enough to come out with some of the most bland, predictable shit that they could muster. After this, the “executive producer” followed this cunt around with pro tools running on a macbook on a Friday night and just recorded phrases like “where the fuck is my Blackberry?”, “does this look like herpes to you?”, “is that like, a computer?”, and “I’ll suck your dick for a thousand bucks…” all in passing. Then, the gurus in charge of editing and mixing forced square pieces into circle shaped holes while Kesha twittered things like “Just ate a WHOLE BAG of Oreos! I can throw up like a lot. FmL!!! Mixings going good I guess. <3”

Anyway, my mom said that she read an interview and the reporter asked Kesha a question along the lines of “Do you feel responsible for giving young girls the impression that it’s okay to suck down hooch and contract HPV in bar bathrooms?” to which she replied “I’m not their babysitter.” Well that’s just peachy keen. When someone starts a support group for 12 year olds with vaginal piercings, she might start atoning for her sins.

Whatever. This bitch needs to do a disappearing act, and quick. I’m bored. Why am I even still writing this? What’s a “Noiselens”, anyway?