Dec 292009
Dear MTV,
I recently stumbled across the most nauseating display of faggotry that the modern world will ever come to know. I am of course speaking in reference to the orange skinned media prostitutes on the strange wildlife documentary you call “The Jersey Shore”. That said, I demand to know where in the fuck you get off. Observing these cock-gobbling douche bags in their natural habitat was without question the most painstaking experience I have ever endured. Every moment spent viewing these shameless wops has been comparable to a tedious process of uniformly tearing out pubic hairs. Unfortunately, curiosity won over. The Holocaust, 9/11, D-Day, and the Spanish Inquisition can all be put behind us…but this…this is absolutely unforgivable. I demand that these heathens be immediately removed from your regular programming schedule followed by a ritualistic execution of each and every cast member. I expect them to be starved, water boarded, deprived of all sensory stimulation, stripped of their gym memberships, blindfolded, and shot like sick cattle. The primary reason being that they are useless wastes of human tissue bent on clubbing, drinking Coors light, fucking trashy dick pigs, and generally soiling on the name of New Jersey/New York residents. The pandemic must be stopped and the aforementioned solution is the only vaccine. Everyday that these snot nosed butt sluts go on living brings us closer to the day of the rapture in which God’s armies will use their bodies as human shields. In the event that my demands are not met, drastic legal action will be taken on the basis of emotional disturbance and crimes against humanity.
Sincerely,
Concerned Viewer
Posted by Sam
Dec 292009
30 Seconds to Mars
This Is War
[Virgin Records; 2009]
An open letter to Jared Leto,
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Posted by Nathan
Dec 202009
Hello. We are the writers at Noiselens. When we run out of combos to eat and mediocre women to talk about sleeping with, we criticize art that isn’t ours. After that we might go to the mall. Maybe shop it up at Bloomingdales. Spit in the fountain. Shit on the floor in the bathroom. Buy a hot new pair of sunglasses and then just fucking leave. You know, really suck the proverbial dicks of industry. Then wipe the residual cum on somebody else. We are what respectable members of society would refer to as gutless bottom-feeders. Luckily, we’re pretty good at it. And flocking to judgment like flies to shit isn’t a particularly easy task. Somebody’s gotta do it though, right? So we might not be what one would call “writers” per say, but we’re certainly entitled to our insignificant but still substantially infuriating and unbridled opinions. And we know how to get down, right? And coke is still one hell of a drug, right? You’re damn straight! We’re still down with the booger sugar.
With that said, we’ve taken it upon ourselves to let you know what the best records of the decade have been. Because let’s face it. You don’t fucking know. You don’t have a clue. The better fractions of you R-tards are still clinging to that soundtrack to Zach Braff’s latest cinematic abortion. And boy do I shudder at the thought. The fact of the matter is that you need guidance and we’re here for you. Don’t worry. We’re not gonna rape you…anytime soon. We’ll be gentle. We care about you. Not like your parents care about you. More like the way your dealer or a working girl cares about you. We’re not too concerned whether you live or die but your patronage and dependence mean the world to us. So without further adp we’re offering up __ of the greatest albums of the last ten years. Oh, and they ARE the greatest albums of the last ten years. And you WILL agree. But just in case you don’t, we’ve got a backup plan. Nathan’s drunk, sitting in his room right now. He’s chain smoking Basics and just sort of weirdly staring at this gun that he has appropriately named “Our most convincing argument.” Please don’t let it come to that. Here’s our list. Continue reading »
Posted by Nathan
Nov 282009
I strongly urge anyone and everyone who is following or checking us out to share some photos you’ve taken from Thanksgiving. It’s easy, just subscribe by clicking “Log In” on the bottom left corner of the page and register for a new username. Fill out the info, bookmark the dashboard menu, and within a few hours, you can contribute. Please be patient with the publishing process as we do edit each entry before letting them go live.
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My family’s version of Thanksgiving is far from traditional.Although it is very traditional for us, it may seem absolutely foreign to everybody else. For one, we don’t serve many actual Thanksgiving dishes, and our dinner starts at about 2 p.m. This year, I attempted introducing an all-American dish. By the end of the night I think my sweet potato casserole was no match to the noodles. Even the stuffing failed to withstand the Filipino vegetable noodles called pancit, whose empty tray by the end of the night signaled the farewells.
Our family gatherings consist of gossip sharing, piano playing, photo taking, movie watching, and in this case, (as oddly enough most cases) it ended with a haircut. We don’t get to see each other as often anymore. Because of this, every time we reunite for holidays or birthdays, my “little” cousins voices grow deeper, they grow taller, and the conversations are slowly evolving into something with a little more substance.
After looking through these photos after the night was through, I realized how familiar it all is and how simultaneously weird my family must seem to others. To quote Jon and Kate Plus Eight (since their final episode aired this past Monday and I was actually an avid fan before all the tabloids caught on- go ahead make fun), “It’s a crazy life, but this is our life.”
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Posted by Kaia
Nov 242009
The Portland folk duo, Blind Pilot, remained under the radar until their single “Go On, Say It” was featured on iTunes as the Single of the Week. It’s been a little over a year since their debut album 3 Rounds and a Sound was released and since then, they’ve reached the top 20 on Billboard’s Top Digital Albums chart, have toured the west coast on bicycles, and have added four more members and several more instruments to their band; and, to top it all off, they still sound as brilliant as ever.
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Posted by Kaia
Nov 162009
How could I resist the alliteration?
When you don’t make it in time to catch the sun, it’s always fun to play with flash. Of course when that fun wears off, there are always other ways to find entertainment.
©Kaia Marie Balcos
Posted by Kaia
Nov 092009
I told my best friend as I pulled into South Station that coming back to Boston was like revisiting an imagined college past that I forgot ever happened. I was wandering through the ridiculously clean transportation hub feeling so many instances of deja vu that I couldn’t figure out what to do with myself. Over time, relationships, financial situations, goals, and people change; however, the cities that hold distant memories remain constant…maybe with a few new stores in odd places. (They are building an Urban Outfitters around the corner from my old apartment. eh)
Boston for me is always a total escape from reality. It’s always bittersweet having to leave it along with the people I love.
I thought I’d share some pieces of my weekend. I’m feeling like a time traveller. When will teleporting become a reality?
Posted by Kaia
